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Brexit Finally Abandoned

We always knew that the European Union was sme kind of vast conspiracy, but it’s absolutely amazing that they were able to keep this secret for so long. At least we know why Brexit was only “delayed” for two weeks so that it could all be revealed in an orderly fashion.

The announcement today that settles the question was a bit of a shock. But Emmanuel Macron was very brave as he finally admitted the truth. Most of us knew that Henry V was right all along, and tha the UK and France are actually one nation, but finally acknowledging it just in time really does change everything.

Henry V, King of England and France.

It’s a shame that the Hundred Years War was fought largely over nothing, but at least we did get some ripping good Shakespeare plays for all the carnage. At this point, now that everyone has admitted the reality, it’s probably best to just move on. Still, as elaborate jokes go, the “independence” of France for the last 600 years has been the most amazing slow burn. “Seriously, a teenage girl in a suit of armor?” one French official was quoted as saying. “We waited for so long, but you English never do get the French sense of humor.”

The elaborate prank lasting for centuries was not let out of the bag until Macron, apparently, just had enough. “This nation is ungovernable,” he told the press. “We should have seen that in 1792, and we should have seen it in 1830. If Napoleon II wasn’t so stubborn we would have let it all out then. But we kept it going until … sacre bleu, what a mess.”

The announcement has naturally roiled the UK Parliament, where members are scrambling to respond. Labour has made it clear that they knew all along, and are preparing a statement to this effect. Tories are heavily divided, with the ERG arguing that history itself should be rejected if necessary to keep the two nations separate. PM May, for her part, is apparently ignoring the reality of the situation and simply scheduling another Meaningful Vote on her Brexit deal.

Yeah, he woulda looked better like this.

Historians, however, are more than a little upset. Experts on the Napoleonic Wars, for one, are probably all going to have to find new careers as the whole sorry episode will have to be glossed over in the name of a new national unity. It does, however, beg the question as to what Charles de Gaulle was really all about and it has already been proposed that he, too was just an elaborate prank.

This does help make sense of a lot of history, actually.

No matter what, the important part of all of this is that a major calamity was avoided. The UK is not going to “crash out“ of the EU and there will be peace on the continent. Everything is going to be absolutely wonderful, and the EU is going to become a top performing institution which seamlessly and efficiently brings the people of Europe together in joy and harmony.

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4 thoughts on “Brexit Finally Abandoned

  1. I just want to point out that in the name of unity I left out some of the comments from disgruntled French people. I don’t think that “Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.” is really all that useful for forming a new nation.

  2. ARTHUR: Well … can we come up and have a look?
    MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs
    ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
    MAN: I’m French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king
    GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
    MAN: Mind your own business
    ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle
    Murmurs of a**ent
    MAN: You don’t frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English K…kaniggets
    He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry
    French Taunters
    GALAHAD: What a strange person
    ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
    MAN: I don’t want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries
    GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
    MAN: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time

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