When I came to pick up my son from school, another young boy was having a bad day. He was inconsolable, sobbing loudly in the hall despite the best efforts of the teacher’s aide who took him out. She tried her best to calm him, offering to read or play with him in short, breathy sentences. It was hard to know what was wrong, since he could only respond with one word.

“Do you want to play outside?”
“Recess”
“No, just for us. We can go out if you want”
“Outside”
“Can we get your bus pass first?”
“Bus”

I later learned from my son that this kid moved from Missouri just a week ago. He gets like this once in a while.

While this heartbreaking moment unfolded, I couldn’t help but think how much of our language we lose when we are upset. People who are angry often recount later that “words failed me”. The hurt of not being part of the group can be the worst pain of all, making people sullen and silent.

We live in a world where adults have boiled many of their otherwise useful emotions down into something resembling anger. Life careens wildly out of our control, or at least the parts of it we hear about on the nooze. Our response is to demand more control, fueled by the anger that generates the bravado necessary. When this happens, careful words never come from our mouths or keyboards. Words are almost unnecessary. What they are used for is defining territory in quick, short bursts. This isn’t about thinking, this is about emotion in control.

The first casualty is something called “civilization”. It didn’t start with the plow or bread, it started with language. Civilization is replenished at the roots by the language of belonging and welcome, the cool blood that offers a hand and a smile instead of a knife and a scowl. Words bring us together because they allow us to express our needs and our differences calmly, and they allow us to be part of the group while still remaining individuals. That’s what “civilization” is all about.

Like the inconsolable little boy, being on the outside creates feelings that overwhelm our ability to communicate. That breaks down our ability to live close together in any kind of reasonable way, with the appropriate individuality checked against the tribal needs of the group.

What is worse, many people have found a way to gain power and prestige by rendering large portions of our population mute and isolated. That is why this crap continues, and why the hate is constantly being fed. It is far too useful for some people to be otherwise.