The time has come for serious change. The time is now to elect my cat, Tony, as President of the United States.
I realize that you may not think he is qualified. Well, the Constitution does not specify you can’t be 35 cat-years old. Tony was born in the woods of Wisconsin, probably in a barn. Think how the Abraham Lincoln log-cabin routine can be played out here.
Now, I realize that Tony has never owned a Major League Baseball team or driven an oil exploration company into the ground. But if ridding my home of rodents isn’t a genuine public service, I don’t know what is. The hunt for Bin Laden may have been fruitless, but the hunt for grey mice has gone very well.
What kind of campaign can we run? Well, I once ran a cat for County Commission at the DFL Convention, and Snowdrift got seven votes. Not bad for a cat. His slogan was “He won’t lick anyone’s tail – except his own”, so I expect the cleanliness block favors Feline-Americans. Besides, Tony is very cute, and this will play very well on the morning gab show circuit. Cuteness is critical these days.
How will he be as President? Consider that Tony can’t actually sign anything. Not a single bill would pass without two-thirds of Congress agreeing on it, and they will know this in advance. They will have to find ways of working out consensus and compromise on every issue. Tony also won’t be able to start any wars, police actions, major conflicts, or other euphemistically named acts of organized violence.
I realize that a lot of big issues will continue to languish, such as health care and energy dependence. But honestly, what has been done about this in the last few decades anyways? First, do no harm, I say. A cat like Tony may not be able to solve our problems, but at least he will be incapable of creating new ones. That is a big benefit right there.
We may need to balance the ticket with a dog for Veep, and I’m willing to consider possibilities for a running mate. Keep in mind that Tony is very good at fighting with dogs, so there could be some acrimony. We’ve tried having a Veep that gets along very well with the President, almost as the same being, so I don’t see this as a disadvantage.
I say it’s time for a change. I say that humans have shown what they can do, and it’s not pretty. Tony understands the comfortable middle-class life better than anyone, and he’s positively grateful for it. He’d make a great President.
When politics becomes like herding cats, it’s time for an expert. Vote for Tony, the proven varmint hunter!