Its time for the Olympics, the two weeks when the whole world gets together in the spirit of athletic competition. Right?

Yeah, right.

When the whole world gets together, there’s only one thing that happens and that’s a lot of kvetching. It’s particularly grim with the Olympics in China, meaning that everyone gets to go on about their abysmal human rights record. Even George Bush got in to the act, criticizing the Chinese just enough to give everyone a chance to kvetch about our own human rights record. Great stuff.

We do get displays of athletic prowess in events no one actually understands, and that’s often as amusing as the totally bizarre can be. I have yet to meet anyone who really understands how, for example, a routine on the rings is scored. That means that for a moment the kvetching can give way to hyperbole – breathless statements of how stunning or amazing or disappointing the performance you’re watching really is. They have to do that because, after all, who knows what the Hell is going on? Then we can get right back to kvetching when the judge from Uruguay craps on the whole schtick for reasons that we’re also in the dark about.

Perhaps there should be an Olympic event in pure hyperbole. That way, the guys doing the commentary can get into the game for a moment. Think what it would be like, pitting NBC against the BBC and Russian TV in a contest to see which can the furthest over the top while calling the Rhythmic Gymnastics. Without actually passing out from lack of breath, of course – that’d be a technical foul.

We do have an extra bit of spectator sport this year, something that almost makes it worth putting off the spectacle of our conventions. Because the Olympics are in Beijing, it’s China’s chance to show what a modern nation they are, a nation where people aren’t routinely smacked down for things like self-expression. Seeing them have to prove that in the midst of a vast ocean of international kvetching is going to be a hoot, at least as a spectator. If I was actually there and had to meet the wrath of a nation out to prove a boldfaced lie, well, I’m sure I’d have a different opinion.

So what’s it all about, in the end? A great big show. There are a million other ways to put on a big show, so I don’t really see the point of this one. It’s expensive and more than a little silly. There simply have to be other ways of blowing the estimated $44 billion this is going to cost China. They might clear up the smog of Beijing, for example. They could improve conditions for the poor in the remote regions of the nation.

Or, they could blow it all on a party that could yet prove that they are one bad-assed repressive regime. At least that way, we get to watch. And kvetch.