Home » Money » I Report, You Decide

I Report, You Decide

There’s been a lot of strange economic news lately.  All of it, sadly, was true.  Here are a few stories that I would prefer to see.

Plume of Icelandic Króna disrupts European air travel

A thin plume of Icelandic Króna (ISK) reaching up to 30,000 feet into the air has disrupted air travel throughout Europe.  The thin paper, though nearly without value, is traveling in a plume large enough to purchase the entire stock of Heineken and other essentials to transatlantic flights, leaving passengers in what pilots refer to as a “dangerous mood”.  This has grounded air travel to and from the continent.

The cloud itself is apparently the result of an entire nation’s banking system vaporizing spontaneously in what Icelandic Finance Minister Erik Offabitchson calls “The end of my career, you can be sure of that.”

This banking catastrophe started when the Althing, Europe’s oldest parliament, realized that their ancient adages had all been given the force of law by the Saga Act of 1956.  This inadvertently codified the saying, “Never lend money to a relative because you know what bums they are”.  When it was discovered that the entire nation is, in fact, related to each other, there wasn’t much point in having banks any longer.  They apparently erupted simultaneously across the entire island in a plume of paper.

European officials are working to restock airlines with sufficient alcoholic beverages to make air travel possible again, but expect all aircraft to remain grounded until they can find enough strange sized cans and fill them all.

Dow Jones Industrials lose 75 points for no reason

Stocks today fell for exactly the same reason that they rose the previous day.  The Dow Jones Industrial average (NYSE:DJIA) lost 75 points as investors probably just set the missing point some place that they don’t usually set them when they were in a big hurry to get lunch.

One broker, citing anonymity, was sanguine about the loss of a few points.  “It’s hard to believe you could lose track of something pointy like that.  I doubt I just left it in my other pocket, like my wife says.”

Action taken by brokers to retrace their steps in an attempt to find them has so far remained pointless.

Investment firm charged with securities violation

Major Wall Street investment house Gold in Sacks (NYSE:GFY) was charged in Federal Court today with violating an obscure law known as the “Duh Act”.  This 18th Century statute, which has rarely enforced, requires the seller of securities to actually understand what the Hell they are selling before they can call it an ‘investment’.

“We have substantial evidence that agents working for this investor had no idea what they were selling most of the time,” announced SEC agent Uri Lee Didithistime, “In some cases, they appear to have pulled random documents out of their neighbors’ recycling bins in a desperate attempt to feed the mania of the early 2000s”.

Investigators cited as evidence e-mails such as this one sent by broker Fabrice Toure which read, “The fabulous Fab standing in the middle of all these complex, highly leveraged, exotic trades he created without necessarily understanding all of the implications of those monstrosities!!!”

The SEC also said that they are looking into additional charges based on being total jerks, but that this appears to not be illegal.

Race to invest in China bids up Dao

Stock in the Dao De Ching (HS:DDC) rose today as investors started buying just about anything that appeared remotely related to China.  The ancient tome, dating to about 500 BCE was seen as a “safe” investment in an increasingly turbulent economic climate caused by people not paying attention to anything at all.  A brief sell-off was sparked at the mid-day when a rumor spread that the work actually had nothing to do with Dow Jones and Company, publisher of “The Wall Street Journal”, but shares held firm through the rest of the day.

When asked if they actually read any of it or heeded its advice, brokers were less than concerned.  “It’s like the Wall Street Journal or something, right?  No one reads the editorials in that, either”.

13 thoughts on “I Report, You Decide

  1. Working on a job with the Daily Show? 🙂

    Like Jon Stewart it’d be more funny if it wasn’t real! Good job!

  2. Wish I was up for a gig with them. No, I’ve been saving some of these jokes for a while. Haven’t tried to be funny for a while, and when I read the quote I used in the third one (it’s a real quote, properly attributed!) I know what I had to do.

    We live in a time when fake nooze is more real than real nooze. The delicate balance between info and ‘tainment has been tipped.

    We are doomed. Dooooomed! 🙂

  3. I especially like the Dow Jones story. The picture in my mind of investors patting down their pockets looking for the points…I’m all giggly.

  4. It would be nice to have a law that required people to understand what they are selling, but also to have one that requires people to know what they are buying! Wall Street would stop immediately if we did it, though.

  5. Maybe we should just outlaw being a jerk and leave it at that! It would solve more problems than just Wall Street!

  6. John: An interesting idea for a law, wish I had thought of it!

    Janine: Outlawing being a jerk would be nice, but there may be a Constitutional issue. 🙂 Besides, we can’t solve all of our problems with laws. No, we have so solve some of them with humor, and I still think that’s the best weapon against jerks!

    (but we can fantasize about laws as part of the humor, yes? 🙂 )

  7. That was an actual quote?!?!?!?

    Sounds somewhat like what the NHTSA told investigators:

    “NHTSA officials told investigators that the agency doesn’t employ any electrical engineers or software engineers”

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