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Today’s Bottom Stories

Fake news is often more real that news itself.  It’s a time made for blogging.

Media boost image by reporting obvious

Washingtoon (Dissociated Press) – In a move to boost their sagging reputation, news outlets across the nation have turned to reporting only things that are so amazingly obvious that no one will doubt them.

The trend has been shown most prominently in recent studies published nationally.  A recent groundbreaking report showed that people tend to send out messages via the popular service Twitter, known as “tweets” which contain more happy words before and after work, but fewer when they are actually working.  Nothing controversial was contained in this report at all, not even what employers thought about their workers goofing off on Twitter.

Filling the “news hole” with the obvious has been extended to polling reports as well.  A recent CNN/ORC poll concluded that 90% of all Americans rate the economy as “poor” or worse.  Nothing was said about the 10% who thought things were better than that, such as noting their names and addresses so that they could be asked for “spare change”.

“There is little doubt that the journalism is facing a credibility gap,” stated Prof. Astoria Scherzo of the University of East Podunk Journalism School.  “They have to fill it with stories people can relate to again.  We can all expect feel-good stories to follow the obvious along with more cute pictures of cats.  The trend will … hey!  Wait, come back!  I don’t have anyone to talk to now that there are no journalism students!  I’m bored and lonely!”

Members of the national media were contacted for their opinions on this story, but none was willing to be quoted on record.  It just seemed too controversial.

Florida moves up Primary in desperate cry for attention

Plant City, Florida (Koozle News) – After the collapse of the local economy based on the Casey Anthony trial, legislators in Florida have voted to bring much needed national attention on the state – and the money that is spent along with it.

“We don’t have much native industry in Florida,” lamented State Sen. Zack Garcia of Cutler.  “We have to make do with our best resource, which is a lot of really whacked people.  The first primary in the nation seemed like a natural fit.”

The sentiment was echoed across the state.  “We’ve seen everything collapse,” stated a somber State Rep. Joe Bob “Bubba” Buford of Palatka.  “Tourism is down, building empty condos on spec is nil – Hell, even the drug trade moved to Texas.  We got nuthin’.  Might as well get those fancy CNN guys with unlimited expense accounts back and put on a real good show.”

Pressure was mounting on the government to do something to gain much needed attention after a relatively weak hurricane season failed to produce the wave of construction and insurance fraud that normally buoys the state’s economy in October.

The date of the primary is not set immediately, but will be announced in a media event to be put on by the same group that staged the arrival of LeBron James last NBA season.

ECB puts Euro Crisis on schedule

Brussels (Deutsche Nichtzeit) – The European Central Bank (ECB) has decided to put the ongoing crisis over Greek and other sovereign debt on a schedule designed to quell the spasms of panic without actually doing anything useful.

“Uncertainty has been our greatest adversary through this crisis,” stated ECB official Sinter Klaus at a press conference at the bank’s headquarters.  “We in the rest of Europe are simply not used to periodic government shutdowns, strikes, and systemic failures.  But the Greeks are.  We have learned from them that once you get used to it, it’s not so awful.  By putting the ongoing crisis on a schedule we hope that we will all learn to just look at our calendars and realize the latest upheaval is just an excuse for vacation and maybe a colorful protest.”

The schedule put forward by the ECB shows a crisis in Greece in December, followed by a meltdown in Spain in January.  An Barcelona economic summit has already been scheduled to coincide with the planned Spanish breakdown, to be held when the weather is damned bleak in Belgium.

In New York and around the world, reaction was mixed.  Credit Default Swaps based on the collapse of Europe traded briskly for a while until traders suddenly realized that they were picking up the ECB’s vacation tab.  Goldman Sachs stepped in with a series of moves in both long and short term bond selling that no one understood but everyone went along with out of fear that they’d be left holding the bag.

8 thoughts on “Today’s Bottom Stories

  1. These are all real stories from what I can tell. I especially likes the one about Florida but I never understood why Iowan and New hampshire have the monopolies they do.

  2. We should schedule out all of our crisises (crises sp?) so that we can plan for them better. The last one we had came on schedule and it was a big one (the debt ceiling bill).

  3. This guy should be in his workshop:

    “‘Uncertainty has been our greatest adversary through this crisis,’ stated ECB official Sinter Klaus…”

    He has more important things to do. I thought he’d been let go by the ECB??

  4. Jack: Missed your comment earlier! Yes, that’s a little joke on my part. Follow the link and it … sorta explains things. The ECB is supposed to be Santa Claus, as far as I can tell, but they aren’t living up to their billing.

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